What do you say to taking chances?

-What do you say to jumping off the edge never knowing if there's solid ground below, or a hand to hold, or hell to pay? What do you say?

-originally Celine Dion, but it's the Glee version that's stuck in my head.

So life. It's been...a rollercoaster to say the least. I'm up in the air about how I feel about most things. My relationships with a few of my friends can be described as rocky at best, with others I'm on top of the world. I've been really learning who I can and can not trust and rely on and it's making my life 50 million times easier. I've "cut off" in a way so many people that were unhealthy for me. You know. Those people that only every wanna talk to you when they need something. the ones that use you, but never actually want to be around you. Regardless, I love them. I just choose to not be around them. My relationship with God is growing, and that makes me really happy. I'm helping lead a bible study on Tuesday nights with a few really awesome girls. The only thing that sucks is that because of the environment i find it difficult to truly connect on a spiritual level while I'm there. Afterwards however, when I get together with friends and discuss it...or when I talk to Chad about it I feel myself growing and learning and that makes me happy.

My graduate program's a joke. I hate it, but I'll keep going through the motions.

Oh and speaking of Chad...he's pretty awesome. I was really iffy about dating him at first because he's so much younger than me, but he's wise for his years. He's incredibly smart, and the way he stands up for me is the cutest thing of my life. I've never met a guy like him, and that's refreshing. I'm used to always having to do things for people, and he gives me a taste of what it's like to have people want to do things for me. I like him. Enough said.

For the most part life's good. It has it's ups and downs, but that's the way it always is, right?

love love

Remember when it rained

I felt the ground and looked up high and called your name

-Josh Groban "Remember When it Rained"

Today I stumbled across a poem that I wrote for my friend Chris in February of 2005. It broke my heart to read it because it reminds me of that place when I was at my lowest. Life may get hard at times, but it has yet to reach that point again.

The last time I saw Chris he was walking home in the rain, and my friend Colby and I ran out to walk with him. He didn't feel like he fit. He did. He didn't feel like he was loved. He was. He felt that his time on Earth was done. It wasn't. Not for me at least. I miss him. I always will, but he's taught me so much about life, and I think I've forgotten that. I hate writing so the fact that I wrote a poem for him is a huge testament to his life. I was young. It's badly written, but it has the heart of a broken college freshmen.

I know you’ll never get this
But deep inside I know
That you knew how much you meant to me
Though I never told you so

I should have tried to call you
I should have saved your day
But now you’re gone and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way

I miss you more than many
And I love you more than some
And I wish that you were near me
I’m longing for your hug

You’ve changed my life forever
I’ll never be the same
I’m glad I changed. You’re worth it
I wish you could say the same.

I wish I could have talked to you
And told you how I felt
I trusted you more than most other people that I have met

You made my best friend happy
You helped him find a joy
That no one else could give him
That helps me love you more

But wishing’s pointless now
You’ll never hear me plee
I hope you understand
All the things you mean to me!

I know that you are gone now
But I hope you understood that
I love you Chris and deep inside you’ll always be my friend.

It's sunny with a high of 75

since you took my heavy heart and made it light

-Relient K "High of 75"

My day has consisted of...

reading a book in class instead of paying attention to my teacher talk about racism

taking my car to Advanced Auto Parts with Rusty to get my battery replaced (it has to stay overnight because it's leaking 2.93 energy even when everything's turned off)

going to free dinner with the boys

a lovely Barnes and Noble/Toys R Us adventure with Sam May

Glee with Stephanie

Dexter with Rusty followed by a pillow fight (I'd like to declare myself the winner, but I'm certain he'd disagree haha)

a wrestling match with James (winner yet to be determined)

reading one of the new books I bought accompanied by U2 on my iPod

Does this describe how I feel about my life right now?

no.

but it was a good day, and I feel like that deserves attention, too.

I pull my heart out, reconstruct

but in the end it's nothing, but a shell of what I had when I first started.

-Relient K "Devastation and Reform"

Pretty sure that at this point in my life, I've been screwed over so many times that I'm practically in capable of trusting another human being with my heart. I'm certain I have a box here somewhere that I can put it in and keep it under lock and key. It'll eventually wilt and turn into something unusable, but is that really worse than constantly having it broken and then re built? I don't think it is.

"The space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more."

She's a rainbow and she loves the simple life

knows I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight.

-U2

I woke up tonight completely freaked out. I've always been a person of confidence, but something was gnawing on my chest and I couldn't shake it. I felt alone. lost. deserted. I'm normally very good at keeping myself together, but for some reason this time I couldn't do it. I needed someone around to make me feel whole, but there was no one around for me to talk to. I contemplated calling a few people that I felt really close to, but for numerous reasons I couldn't talk to them. For some, I knew that I actually needed to talk, and despite the love I have for them I know it would have turned into a conversation only about them, and that would only make me feel worse because it was yet another thing I wasn't a part of. For others, I didn't trust them. I could feel that they were lying to me about certain aspects of our relationship and I didn't need a lie. For others, and these were the ones that hurt the most, I felt like they wouldn't care. I felt that if I called them crying they would call me over-emotional and needy. I had a few friends that I knew would listen to me, but I didn't want to freak them out. I knew that if I called them crying and explained how I felt they would become overly concerned and I didn't want to worry anyone. In the end I decided to call Fanny. She was asleep. I kind of figured she would be, and I was okay with that. I knew that I could talk to her later and that it'd be ok, but I still just needed SOMEONE to just talk to me. I called Scott. He answered. He was awake. I truly believe that God puts people in your life for a reason, and the epitome of that for me is Scott Anthony Eldridge. He was laughing when I called because he'd literally just woken up and he couldn't figure out why he was awake and then I called. When he realized I was crying he did everything he could to calm me down. I hate crying so it worked. We talked for a really long time and in the end we worked out exactly what was wrong with me. I have a lot of people that consider me a friend, but for the most part I feel like I'm currently living my life on the outside looking in. I feel like the people that are "closest" to me aren't, and I feel like I'm living fairly alone right now. I feel used and under-appreciated. I feel like I'm falling a part in a way. I yearn to have just one person who actually cares about how I'm feeling and takes time out of their day to talk to me about it. I have some amazing friends. I know that I do. They make me happy and I really enjoy their company, but I still find myself feeling alone and I hate it. Right now, however, after talking to Scott I feel a bit better. I know that I can find a place where I belong it'll just take time, I guess.

Everlasting Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending Your glory goes beyond on all praise.

-Hillsong United "From The Inside Out"

I'm going insane. I say this every year, but now I'm certain of it. I decided today that I should set up a meeting with the counseling center because it's not even September and I've already come close to suffering from a breakdown...on my birthday of all days. Talk about stressful. I love being a grad assistant because it's nice working with people who actually think you're worth something, but I hate it because I don't feel like people respect me and I don't see how I can command that respect without losing their friendship. I mean I suppose anyone who doesn't respect me doesn't deserve it, but idk I'm just weird about things like that. Scott bought me a journal for my birthday. I'm going to try to write in it, but we'll see. Blogging is easier because I can quickly type my rants and then just go. I really just want to pull out all of my hair right now, but I feel like this storm is passing quickly. Despite the stress that I'm under I find that slowly, but surely I'm getting a harder shell and becoming more and more apathetic to other people. I already have an AMAZING core group of friends. I don't need more. I obviously love meeting new people and making new friends and I'm not opposed to it in the future by any means, but what I feel is that I already have so many wonderful people in my life right now that should I not make any more friends I'm ok with that. The people I surround myself with now love me for who I am and I appreciate that more than I can say. I don't need to be someone I'm not in order to get more friends or to keep people around me who don't want to understand me/don't care about me enough to respect me. Yup.

When everything seems like the movies

yeah you bleed just to know you're alive :)

-Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

Wow an end to summer it has been.

I saw Jason Mraz with Jono again and loved EVERY minute of it. I feel like everyone should have an experience like that on a monthly basis. The overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude during that concert was unreal and kept me on a high for a good week.

Right now I'm lying in a hotel room in Beaufort, South Carolina. I spent the day on Parris Island with Rusty and his family and even though it was incredibly hot, and I was running on an hour of sleep since like 8am the previous day...it was the best day I've had all summer. Seeing Rusty made my heart soar. I missed him more than I realized and I loved just being in his presence. When I finally got to hug him I felt myself tearing up, but I stopped myself from actually crying because I figured if I started I wouldn't be able to stop haha. I was just so excited to see him. His mom said that she felt like we were separated at birth because of how deep our friendship is. It's true. He really is my best friend and I'm thankful to have him in my life. The best part about seeing him was that even though he's been going through basic all summer....he hasn't really changed. He's more mature, and he's got no hair haha but other than that he's the same Rusty that I've known and loved! Hooray!

Check in starts soon and RA training will be finishing up. I'm excited for the year to start and to see how things change (because they seem to every year) I think for once it will be for the better and I really cannot wait!

Off to take a nap now before dinner!

Love love